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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27772468">Secret</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesAeza/pseuds/JamesAeza'>JamesAeza</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Cutting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:29:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,270</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27772468</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesAeza/pseuds/JamesAeza</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't a secret, per se. He just hadn't been expecting anyone to care. Virgil does, though, and his friends don't want him hurting.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil &amp; Creativity | Roman &amp; Logic | Logan &amp; Morality | Patton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>100</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Another personal vent about self-harm! This one's a little heavy, so stay safe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman let out a loud, dramatic sigh as he sheathed his blood-covered sword, a familiar action to him. Obviously sometimes that meant he’d finished an exhilarating adventure, but other times, it was for something a lot more sinister. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down at his shredded, blood-covered wrists, wrinkling his nose when he noticed that the red liquid was in danger of staining his flawless white top. He tried to push it up further, which proved to be difficult when his hands were also bloody. He sighed, resolving to change later if need be, and turned his attention to the lacerations on his wrists. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>First off, they needed to be rinsed, which was easy enough despite being excruciatingly painful. He supposed he didn’t get to complain, though, when he’d only brought it upon himself. He never complained. Not about this. Patton and Logan didn’t even know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not that he really hid it from them on purpose. Actually, once he’d even gone to tell them, and been blown off. Granted, that had been a bit of a busy day and he hadn’t quite conveyed the severity of the situation, but it only cemented his knowledge that they had their own problems and most certainly should not be bothered with his. And it would have been just plain rude (not to mention selfish and attention-seeking) to walk around with the wounds on display. Besides, he had control over the temperature, so he kept it just chilly enough for long sleeves to be comfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After he’d finished running the cuts under the water, he pressed a soft towel to one of his forearms, holding it there until he was confident the bleeding had stopped. Then he repeated the action on the other side before wiping up the rest of the mess with a wet cloth. Some (okay, all) of them could probably do with stitches, but he didn’t like stitches, so he chose not to do so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After checking to make sure the blood was truly gone, he pulled his sleeves back down, giving them a quick once-over and deeming them acceptable. He did have to look presentable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slid into his seat at his desk, glancing at the time. 4:42. He should have about an hour and a half to work before Patton called him down for dinner and ‘family time’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Virgil had come to live with them, Patton had insisted he be included in their family dinners, movies, and games, something that at first no one had been happy about, but as they grew on each other, they came to rather enjoy it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lot had changed when Virgil had been added into their dynamic, though it didn’t affect Roman’s little habit at all. Why should it? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman flopped down at his usual seat. As usual, he was the last to arrive besides Virgil, who showed up a few moments later. Patton dropped more food than Roman could ever reasonably justify eating on his plate, and there was silence for a few minutes. Virgil was the first to break it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god Princey, there’s blood on your sleeve.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His head snapped to look at it, and yes there was. Not a lot, but he had been fairly confident that he’d cleaned it all up. Oh well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So there is,” he observed, snapping his fingers and changing his clothes into grey sweatpants and a red flannel. “Ah, well. That happens sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>That happens sometimes? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Is it </span>
  <em>
    <span>yours?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” It hadn’t occurred to Roman that anxiety, as the protector, might not accept it as normal the way Logan and Patton did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fortunately, Patton noticed Virgil getting worked up and stepped in. “Don’t worry about it kiddo, Roman’s adventures just get a little exciting sometimes. You’re okay, Roman, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course.” Not a lie. His adventures </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> get exciting sometimes. The fact that it wasn’t the cause of the blood was irrelevant. And he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>okay. He always was. He had to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil gave him one last look, which he ignored, and that was the end of it. Dinner was finished normally, and then Logan beat everyone at Monopoly yet again, and then Roman was back in his room preparing for bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed in relief as he got into a t-shirt. Wearing long sleeves constantly could get a bit stifling. He sat down in his bed, picking up </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde</span>
  </em>
  <span> and getting comfortable, dropping his overly embellished bookmark to the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mr Utterson was sitting by his fireside one evening after dinner, when he was surprised to receive a visit from-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He was very rudely interrupted by a knock on the door. Opting to ignore it, he looked back down at his book. He really wasn’t in the mood to do the whole interaction thing right about now. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-Poole. “Bless me, Poole, what brings you here?” He cried; and then-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman?” The voice was clearly Virgil’s. Roman sighed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I come in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman huffed under his breath as he got to his feet, grabbing his flannel off the ground and yanking it on, wincing a little as it brushed the fresh wounds. He stormed over to the door, swinging it open to reveal Virgil, looking nervous as he played with one of the zippers on his hoodie. He stepped back, allowing Virgil to step in. He waited a moment before Virgil spoke, seemingly not excited about the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, um… just wanted to check in about the blood on your sleeve today. Was it... yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it was mine, but never fear, everything is under control!” He offered one of his signature smiles, hoping that would be enough to convince him that all was well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil just looked down at his boots, shuffling his feet around. “Can I see? The injury? Cause I am kind of anxiety, so I’m not really gonna be able to sleep if I can’t see for myself that you’re fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman shrugged. “Why not?” He didn’t bug them with this, but again, he had no reason to actively hide it. He sat back down on the side of the bed, shrugging the flannel off and gesturing at the cuts. “See? I am just fine. This does not-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This fits your definition of </span>
  <em>
    <span>just fine?</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, yes-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus fuck Roman, what is </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>with you? I mean, I knew you had issues, but God I did not think you were this bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman looked up at him, surprise and confusion clear in his face. “Virgil, it’s really okay,” he offered a little chuckle in a failed attempt to lighten the stormy expression that the other was now wearing. “I’ve been doing this for years, and look, I’m completely alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because the anxiety clouding Virgil’s features had turned to outright terror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <b>
    <em>Years?</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>” </span>
  </em>
  <span>His voice doubled on the word, and Roman flinched. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, no?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman was clearly too late, because Virgil grabbed his hand and practically dragged him out of his room and into the living room, angrily forcing him into a seat on the sofa. Roman shrank back a little, not used to such rough behavior from Virgil. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, whatever I did wrong, I am truly sorry-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Just- don’t. I’m gonna get Logan and Patton, okay? Just wait here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman nodded nervously, and after a moment’s deliberation, Virgil snapped his fingers and Roman found his hands bound together behind his back with soft straps. Confused, he tugged at it a little. Unless Virgil was using his full power as protector of the sides, Roman should have been able to escape. And he couldn’t use his full power unless something truly disastrous happened. This hardly qualified. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, I’ll be right back, promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman didn’t have time to get another word in before Virgil was gone. He sighed, pulling at the binds. This might take a minute, but he was fairly confident that Logan and Patton would understand, and that they’d be able to get Virgil to relax. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up as he heard them come in, both looking sleepy and confused. They both took a seat before Virgil started talking, still on his feet and pacing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All I know as of right now,” he began, “is that Roman is cutting, has been doing it for years, and doesn’t fucking think he has a problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman pulled a little harder at the bands keeping him restrained, feeling his voice rise just a little. “Guys, I’m okay. This is fine. Please tell him I’m okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan was the first to gain his bearings. “Roman, if Virgil is telling the truth, then he is correct. May I see your wrists?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman paused, aiming a confused glance at Logan. That wasn’t what he was supposed to say. He was supposed to tell Virgil not to worry, that Roman just got hurt sometimes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sent a pointed look at Virgil, who snapped his fingers, freeing him, and Roman rubbed out his wrists before holding them out to Logan, who carefully took them in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a long moment of silence, and then Logan stated in a monotone voice, “First things first, these need stitches.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No!” Roman pulled his hands back. “I don’t like getting stitches. It’s been fine this far.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman,” Virgil interrupted, practically a growl. “If Logan says you need stitches, you’re going to get stitches.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I said no.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I said I don’t</span>
  <em>
    <span> fucking </span>
  </em>
  <span>care</span>
  <em>
    <span>.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman went silent as Logan held his wrist, biting his lip against the sting as he started in with a disinfectant. He closed his eyes, ignoring the sensations, not wanting to know exactly what was being done to him. He wanted to resist, but if he was being fully honest, he was a little scared of Virgil right now. Besides, he wasn’t sure he had it in him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t realize that tears were leaking out of his eyes until after Virgil was rubbing his shoulders more gently than he had any right to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should have stopped crying, he should have wanted to stop crying, but he was quickly losing control of it. Virgil continued to rub his back as the tears became sobs, and he was barely gasping out words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t- please, I don’t want it, I don’t like it, I can’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean </span>
  </em>
  <span>to end up sobbing into Virgil’s shoulder, but it looked like that was where today was going. When he finally ran out of tears, though, he noticed vaguely that Logan was finished, and Virgil was still holding him. He heard a soft voice, and wasn’t quite sure who it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think we’re gonna get anything out of him tonight. Just-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt himself being laid carefully on his back, blanket thrown over him and pillow shoved under his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just- someone has to be watching him at all times.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should have been upset about that, but he felt too fuzzy right about now. He laid back on the pillow, letting himself relax. Even if this sucked, a lot, it did feel good to just let go. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Roman woke up slowly, in an unfamiliar bed and with guilt pooling heavily in his stomach. He slowly tried to sit up, garnering the attention of the figure sitting near him. Patton was immediately by his side, propping him up on pillows he didn’t need. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sighed. His wrists stung, but other than that he was physically fine. He didn’t need Patton to fuss over him. He pushed back the small part of his mind that said maybe he didn’t mind being babied. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once sitting up, he glanced away from Patton’s face. His expression was painful to see, looking like a kicked puppy. Roman looked slowly around the room. It wasn’t his. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was relatively small, especially in comparison to where he usually lived. The walls were white, and the only furniture in the room was the bed he was on, the chair Patton was using, and a small bedside table with water and medical supplies. There were a few Disney posters removed from his own walls and taped onto these.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked down at himself, noting that his arms were wrapped in bandages. There were bandages on his hands, too, despite there being no injuries there. Roman wasn’t dumb. He knew they were there to make it harder for him to hurt himself further, since that was clearly something they had (stupidly, in his opinion) decided to care about. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was pulled out of his thoughts by the feeling of Patton’s hand gently combing through his hair. He normally would have put a stop to that immediately, his hair took ages to get right each morning, not to mention mountains of product. But he somehow got the feeling his appearance was lacking its usual princely flair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you feeling, baby?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The question was so soft it almost made him break down again, but he held it together. His voice sounded rough, and he cringed at the way it sliced through the gentle silence. “...I’m okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton shook his head, and the look in his eyes was one Roman had never seen before and hoped never to see again. “It’s okay if you’re not. And I don’t think you are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman shook his head, not ready to answer that. He looked around the room again, trying to figure out how to ask where he was and why. Patton seemed to catch on to his confusion, and he replied nervously. “Remus and Virgil made the room. You can’t use your powers, and you can’t… leave? Really? And there’s nothing in here you can hurt yourself with, and someone will be with you I think always.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up at Roman for a reaction, who pressed his lips together. “Patton, that’s not necessary. I’m not fragile, and I’m not a little kid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton shrugged, guilt and anxiety clear on his face, but Roman could also see that he wasn’t going to budge on this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was bad. If he couldn’t convince Patton to let him go, he wouldn’t be able to convince anyone else either. And however you wanted to put it, they were holding him against his will, this room his prison. “Come on, Patton.” Roman felt a bit of a nervous chuckle seep into his voice. “This is- you can see that this is silly, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only response he got was a whispered, “I’m gonna go get Virgil.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Roman practically shouted. Virgil had been horribly intimidating last time he’d seen him, and his brain was screaming </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘no, no, no, no, scary, threat’</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton once again looked pained by his pleas, but didn’t relent. Unusual for him. As Patton made to leave, he felt the same straps curl around his arms again, binding him to the bars on either side of the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s just for when you’re alone,” Patton muttered on his way out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Roman wasn’t alone for long, though it felt like forever to him. It didn’t take long for him to realize that he wasn’t going to be able to escape, and he tried to relax into it, but it was still making him uneasy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And there was still the weight in his stomach that he was trying his best to ignore. He wasn’t even sure why he felt so guilty, but he’d made Virgil </span>
  <em>
    <span>mad. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Really mad. And even if he was loath to admit it, Virgil had scared him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tried to breathe evenly, mentally preparing himself for the interaction to come. He still flinched lightly when the door swung open. Surprisingly enough, Virgil looked much calmer and more put-together. Roman couldn’t stop himself from cringing back, getting ready to do whatever he had to in order to get Virgil happy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He watched silently and cautiously as Virgil sat down, rubbing out the wrists that had been released when he entered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil started talking, and Roman’s anxiety skyrocketed, but what he said ended up being unprecedented. “I’m not angry with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman’s head snapped up, confusion clear on his features. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just- god, Roman, I’m fucking terrified.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was slightly confusing too. Roman wasn’t sure what to say, but Virgil picked the conversation back up after a moment of silence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you… are you planning on, y’know- </span>
  <em>
    <span>ending </span>
  </em>
  <span>it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman was shocked at the mention. “What? </span>
  <em>
    <span>No. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I don’t do it to </span>
  <em>
    <span>die</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It just helps me calm down. Helps me think.” He figured maybe he wouldn’t add that he sometimes used it as a way of punishing himself for his mistakes. He got the feeling that wouldn’t be taken well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil sighed in relief. “Okay. That's… good, I guess.” He sighed softly, shaking out his hands in an effort to calm himself in the face of Roman’s stress. “I’m not mad. I promise.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman hadn’t known how much he needed that reiterated. He felt himself needing to force back tears yet again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman jumped a little when he felt Virgil sit on the bed he was in, playing with Roman’s hand, and spoke again. “I think you need to talk to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That couldn’t be good. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You said you didn’t think this was a problem. Can you tell me… why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> Roman shrugged, feeling a new emotion flood him- embarrassment. His reasons were stupid. Definitely not worth scaring Virgil that damn much over. Not worth this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His face heated as he started to force words out. “I’m just kind of… I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m not real, and thoughts are fuzzy, and it’s grounding.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d more or less been expecting that to be accepted, but Virgil just narrowed his eyes at him. “And that’s the only reason?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...no.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil seemed to be waiting for him to continue, but he didn’t want to. He got the feeling that staying silent wouldn’t fly for long, though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And the other reasons are?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“None of your business?” It was spoken like a question, unwilling to divulge but terrified of incurring the other’s wrath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil looked for a second like he was going to get angry, but surprisingly enough, he just dropped his head into a hand, scrubbing at his eyes. “Please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Apparently Roman was a very weak man, because the exhaustion and fear in that one word alone had him admitting to the rest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes it’s more of a- punishment? Sort of?” He cringed at the poor wording. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God. That’s- bad. That’s really bad. You know that, right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m starting to hear it now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman felt himself being pulled in, nearly crushed as Virgil held him like he never wanted to let go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re gonna get help for you, okay? I don’t know why you hid this, or why you feel like you need to do it at all, but you’re going to get better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded for a moment, wanting to believe, before something hit him. “I didn’t really hide it, it’s just that no one wanted to know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil looked at him, clearly confused. “What makes you say that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was going to tell Patton and Logan, thought maybe they should know about it. They were busy, just kinda blew me off. It’s fine though, it’s not like it’s their problem to deal with anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked back up at Virgil. His expression had gone unreadable as he got to his feet, pressing a hand to the wall. Roman recognized what he was doing- soundproofing the room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not mad,” he said again, voice cold and even. “Not at you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that, he left the room, leaving Roman restrained and afraid of what he couldn’t hear.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Uh oh Virgil isn't happy</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Unless people want more chapters there probably won't be any, this was just kinda a vent. Anyway, let me know your thoughts!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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